I didn't expect to be in a role of talking to children about divorce. But family friends just gave me the shocking news that they're getting divorced.  The news was surprising for me because, at least in public, they always seemed like such a perfect couple. So now I'm trying to wrap my head around this new reality, and at the same time I'm trying to figure out how to tell kids about divorce.
 
My daughter Emily came home yesterday and said "Rachel said her parents are getting divorced. What does that mean?"
 
Talking to children about divorce is tough. When discussing any tough topics with kids, I am a big believer of first asking what your child heard, what she knows, and what she thinks about a subject. Listen first, then talk. She might have assumptions that are completely off-base, or she might know a lot more than you think she does. Find out what she knows and then answer the specific questions she asked you. There is no need to offer more information than she requested, especially when it comes to younger children. There is no need to explain divorce in all its messy emotional and legal details when a child is only asking for a simple definition.
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Robert Emery Of course, the amount of information you tell kids about divorce at age five is going to be different than what you would tell an eight-year old or a twelve-year-old.
 
So when I had to explain divorce to Emily, here's what I said:
 
Divorced means not married anymore. Rachel's mommy and daddy are not going to live in the same house anymore. They are not going to be husband and wife anymore but they will always be Rachel's mommy and daddy.
 
For some children, like my three-year-old, Alex, this was more than enough information to explain divorce. But Emily asked where Rachel is going to live now that her mommy and daddy aren't going to live in the same house. I explained that Rachel and her brothers and sisters will still live in their house with their mommy, and their daddy will move to an apartment nearby and the children will visit him often and have sleepovers there.
 
When you tell kids about divorce, even if the divorce is happening in another family, the topic can be frightening. The concept of a daddy moving away was scary to Emily. I assured her that her daddy and I were not getting a divorce.
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JoAnne Pedro-Carroll I did not say anything about divorce stemming from arguments or fighting, or that Rachel's mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore. These are confusing ideas and too much information for a five-year-old, who only needs the hard facts and doesn't need more things to be scared about. ("If my mommy and daddy argue, does that mean they're going to get divorced?")
 
When talking to children about divorce, it's important to give simple, straight-forward answers at a level your child can understand. Tell the truth and don't beat around the bush. She is going to get this information somewhere, so it's better that you tell kids about divorce in a controlled environment in which you know exactly what information they are getting, rather than their coming home with all kinds of assumptions and ideas in their head because of things they've heard from their friends.
 
Acknowledge your child's fears; they are real and they are coming from a real place. Let her know it's ok to be worried but that mommy and daddy love each other and are not getting divorced and that, no matter what, you will always love her.

 
I think it's important not only to explain divorce honestly to our kids, but to let them feel that they can do something positive at a time when it seems everything is out of their control. So give your child a positive, constructive way to move forward. When talking to children about divorce, it's ok to tell them that their friend is going to be sad, upset, maybe even angry for awhile and that she's going to need extra support and understanding. Emily made Rachel a "just because" card to brighten up her day. I also suggested that we spend some extra time with Rachel and invite her for some playdates, cookie-baking, or maybe even a sleepover. This will distract Rachel from the difficult situation and let her have some fun; it will give her parents some time to have important discussions or pack up their things; and it will allow Emily to feel less powerless, knowing that she is doing something to help her friend feel better. When talking to children about divorce, we can always offer a positive message for moving forward.

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MOTHER AND SON
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